


Fall Into Pieces

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional, Grief, Hurt!Spock, Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 21:06:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17905643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: Since the loss of Vulcan, all Vulcan's have been made to use a drug to help them cope with the massive loss and grief from the disaster. Spock decides to stop taking the drug in order to feel something of his loss.However, Spock doesn't just have a simple loss to deal with and has no idea how much the decision to withdraw from them will devastate him.





	Fall Into Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is going to deal with Spock dealing with depression and grief. It might not be for everyone and will likely be angsty and maybe it could trigger some people so please be very careful.   
> If I add anything stronger in than just depression I will post warnings at the beginning of the chapter.

They always made sure that once a week, they had a get together to catch up, share a drink and make sure the other was okay.   
It was important to them both and as one was the Captain and the other the CMO, time was precious for both of them and free time was a luxury. Both of them found that ship business ran into their personal time on the ship, but neither complained. 

They were finishing up on their latest get together when Kirk threw McCoy a curveball at the end of the conversation.   
“Oh hey, I was going to ask if you'd seen Spock recently.”

“No. You know Spock, he avoids sickbay as much as he can. Not sure if it's me or the medical procedures he hates more.” 

Kirk smiled at McCoy for they both knew Spock had no hatred for the doctor. Kirk doubted he could think of anyone that Spock would consider hatred appropriate for. 

“Should he have been by? Do I need to go and look for him?”

Kirk shook his head dismissively. “No, it's nothing like that. He's just seemed a little, well, moody.” 

“Moody?” 

“I know. I mean, it's not like he's skulking around the bridge but I can notice it.”

“Okay, well I make a trip to the bridge tomorrow and see what I think” 

~

Spock arrived in McCoy's office after being called from bridge duty to attend. 

“I spoke to Jim yesterday and he thought you seemed-” he loathed to use Jim's word so picked something Spock may find less objectionable. “Not your usual self.” 

“I am adequate, doctor.” 

McCoy nodded. “Good. As your so adequate you won't mind a quick checkup then, right?” It was minimal, but McCoy notices the slight change in Spock's expression. 

“Unnecessary.”

“Well, Jim has a concern. He relies on you as his First Officer and Science Officer. I wouldn't be doing my duty, as CMO, if I neglected a concern from the Captain. So you can see why I believe it to be necessary. You can save me the time and tell me what's wrong if you want.”

Spock didn't say anything so McCoy moved at started to set up the scanner. He expected Spock to say something, even if it was a protest, but the Vulcan remained silent. 

The colour drained from McCoy's face as he looked at the results.

~

Spock had returned to the bridge to complete his shift and McCoy sent a message to Kirk telling him not to worry and he'd speak to him about Spock the following day and that some more pressing matters had come to his attention. Kirk thought nothing of it until the following day when McCoy joined him at the end of lunch and asked him if they could have a word. 

Once inside and seated, McCoy knew he'd have to drop a bombshell on Jim. “I take it Spock hasn't spoken to you today. About anything other than work?”

“I've barely seen him. He said he had some work in the science labs and there's nothing urgent for him on the bridge. What's going on? I thought you said everything was okay?”

“I needed to give Spock a chance to speak to you himself. Clearly, he's not going to do that.” McCoy exhaled. “After Vulcan was destroyed, due to the unique telepathic link between Vulcans they found that the grieving between them was pretty much insufferable. Each survivor had their own loss to deal with, but then shared the pain of the other Vulcan's they were linked to telepathically. So, for example, Sarek lost his wife, but he's connected to Spock, so he also feels the loss of his child grieving the loss of his Mother.” 

Jim nodded. Although he didn't know a great deal about Vulcan's, he was aware of the telepathic link they shared. 

“Their losses were huge and consuming. So, the members that survived the VSA worked for a way to help control that loss. It's hard for them all, but for the young Vulcan's it's nearly intolerable. They came up with a drug that helps them to keep going, so their losses don't overwhelm them. They saw such a remarkable improvement with the young that they rolled it out to all Vulcans.” 

“I didn't know that.”

“Know one who doesn't need to know does,” McCoy confirmed. “The problem is Spock's change of attitude is because he's decided to stop taking them.” He took out a bottle of pills. 

“Why?” Kirk queried as he picked up the bottle and read the label. 'Sly'tex' seemed to be the name of the drug.

“I don't know. He's not very forthcoming right now. The problem is, although it's kept very quiet it is the protocol that Vulcan's are to stay on that medication. He can't be on duty if he won't take them.” 

Jim rubs at his eyes. “Okay, I need to talk to him.”

“I don't know when exactly he stopped taking them and there's still a little of that stuff in his system. But you've seen that it's starting to change him. You could maybe make a case for withdrawal and Starfleet might go with it, but not like he's doing it. It's too much. It'll overload his system. At best, he'll probably be highly emotive and unstable. At the worst, he'll have a full-on breakdown.”

“It can't be that bad,” 

“Jim, the reason they put Vulcan's on this stuff so quickly after the disaster was because of the complexities of the Vulcan mind. They can't outwardly show their emotions and grief and yet they all have these strong emotions they can't control and it makes them feel ashamed. You make a race as proud of them so overwhelmed with emotional loss and don't allow them the ability to show it still and you have a suicide epidemic on your hands. I think that Spock's half human and on a ship where his closest friends are human who he trusts will help get through to him and I don't think he'll be a danger to himself. But I'm still basing that knowledge on the Spock that I've got to know over the last few years. The Spock that's been on those drugs.”

“Okay, first things first, I need to speak to him.” 

~

Jim went down to the labs and found Spock sat at one of the computers working. 

“Captain?” 

“I need a word in private, Spock.”

Spock nodded and headed to one of the empty labs. It wasn't where Jim would have picked to have such a conversation, but it would be private at least. 

“Okay, there's no easy way to say this, but I've just been speaking with McCoy.” He expected a slight reaction from Spock. He got nothing and Spock said nothing. “You know what I'm referring to?” 

“I do not.” 

In his mind, Jim knew that Spock was going to fight this every step of the way. “McCoy told me all about the Sly'tex. You've stopped taking it.” 

“No one should have to stay in a perpetually drugged state in order to live, Captain. Especially when they are given no choice about taking them.” 

“I agree. But Starfleet is adamant about this and I can't make an exception for you. If you honestly think you are better off without them, then let's speak to McCoy about reducing the dosage and I'll help you fight this every step of the way.”

“I do not want your help.” 

“Spock-” 

“Do what you must, Captain, what your orders from Starfleet dictate you do.” 

“I'll give you the rest of the day to reconsider Mister Spock. If you haven't reported to McCoy by the end of his shift then consider yourself off duty.” 

Spock nodded his understanding. 

“Dismissed.” 

Spock left the lab and returned to his computer while Kirk stayed behind in the lab. He could observe Spock from the room and he spent a little while watching him get back to work.   
If Spock was taken off active duty, he would return to his quarters and sit at his computer and wouldn't care whether he was on duty or not. 

Kirk left the lab and headed to Spock's quarters. He overrode the door lock and went inside. He knew Spock had some traditional Vulcan weapon replica's displayed on his walls. In fact, the whole room was probably the most elaborately decorated quarters Kirk had seen, which seemed so unlikely from Spock.   
With McCoy's words still fresh in Kirk's mind, he realised he couldn't allow Spock to return to his quarters. He had considered removing Spock's computer and the weapons from the walls but he had no idea if Spock might have smaller artefacts stashed away. He couldn't go through all of Spock's personal belongings. It would be too much of an invasion of privacy.   
He left the quarters and instead overrode the door to be inaccessible. If Spock decided to remain off the drugs then he would force the Vulcan to stay in different quarters. 

He was determined not to make this a battle of will between himself and Spock but he knew Spock was unlikely to change his mind once it was set on something.


End file.
